I know if you’re reading this you’re probably wondering well where did she come from. I don’t know too. I will tell you my background to this letter. I am a fan that came in late, and i am sad i never got know you realtime. I’m still happy that i now know you though and i am writing this letter to you on your birthday. I wish we could have celebrated this day with you alive and smiling. Happy birthday my dear bling bling …
So I started listening to kpop sometime late 2016 to early 2017. I came across BTS songs that i enjoyed and a few performances that i thought were cute. However I did not dwell on it. I was still trying to find myself. I had lots of questions about who i am and what i really like? What is it that i stand for? Who and what influences my choices? I had lots of those. You see i was depressed for a long time as a child and i would often find ways to deal with it and when that way stop working then i find another way to get me through the day. As a child it was easy because of my studies a n d then there was church in between studying so i was always occupied and i would cope easily.
I remember when one of my coping mechanisms was failing and i came across BTS once again and i renewed my interest in kpop. I started following their story and i was beginning to be interested fulltime when i came across an article from Billboard that said that you had passed away.
Okay i thought no way how can someone who seem to have it all commit suicide. At the time i had never heard of you. But it worried me so much, i could not fully understand why. So when i read another article with your final letter i paused and i wanted to know more. Then i started researching about you on the internet and youtube. Finding out more about your group and your legacy. I fell in love with your smile and i noticed you cried a lot in the clips i saw. Being emotional is something i can relate. So i realised that sometimes it could have been emotions lying just beneath the surface that a single trigger can have you screaming in tears and being sentimental. Also it means you cared a lot, you had a big heart. You wanted people to know the real you but all they wanted was the good version of you. The idol version, polished and cute. Why? Because that’s what helps them sleep at night, never caring to give back to you the joy that they received.
But as i noticed all of this and listening to your music and enjoying your performances and all I still couldn’t understand why i couldn’t let go the hurt and the pain that i felt from this whole incident. I never knew you, why couldn’t i let you rest in peace. I never knew you and that bothered me. For a month i walked around with a printed translated letter that you left for the fans. I put it on my wall on my bedroom and i would read it again and again. I still couldn’t understand why i was so interested.
My friend asked me why are you like this? She gave me homework so i could revisit my feelings, search my soul and try to understand why im being like this. At first i thought it’s because you succeeded in killing yourself which is one thing i could not. Then i thought maybe it’s the letter, everything you said in there was the truth and i could relate and i felt like you read my mind. I just had never said it and finally someone had said it. Its sad you said it and i believed it when you were already six – feet under but i feel like if you had said it when you are alive it would have sparked an interesting debate that would have saved even more souls.
I’m sad i never got to know you. The blue night program that you used to communicate with your fans that i never got to be part of me is what im envious of the most. I wish i knew a beautiful soul like you. I mean your death touched me in ways that i can never explain and i learnt so much from that experience and i sought help. I’m not suicidal or anything, and I haven’t been in years.
We were going through similar situations, always trying to prove ourselves and trying to make people understand what we mean, but no one listens, they only want us to explain what they already know, why? because it makes them comfortable. The best versions of us looks better than they real version of ourselves that people want to only notice. I deal with all of that too. People will always be people and that will never change. I have learnt to deal with it the best way i could and its difficult even without being in the spotlight. I can imagine what you were going through worse being in the limelight and being constantly monitored by everyone and everything you did making it to the news. I bet there were good days though. I’m glad you experienced those as well. Good days when you make a difference in someone’s life and they tell you. Those are the best. I hope you had many of those.
I decided to write to you because i wanted you to know that in life and in death you continue to inspire people. You were a great person meant to touch lives and if anything, you are ever in doubt, please know that you changed at least my life. I will always hold on to the lessons i learnt from this destined encounter. I believe it was destiny. Your lyrics, your voice even your book and life story should never be forgotten for it is all filled with great wisdom that is not only entertaining but life changing.
I’m still soul searching and im finding myself day and night. I don’t have the answers yet but i’m afraid to die and not have made an impact on earth even if for one person’s life. I have decided to try and reach out and find a few souls to impact and then i can let go knowing all the struggles i went through as a person amounted to something. I guess being afraid of dying without making a difference is not such a bad thing and i figured i will hold on to that. One day we will all die that is a fact but until then i want to keep fighting, through the good and the bad days.
I understand why you did what you did. I understand that we shall meet again.
And until then. . .
I hope you rest well in power. I hope you fly with the angels and soar higher like an eagle. I hope your strength is renewed and you find eternal joy that haters will never take away.
YOU DID WELL… bling bling Jonghyun
I will ALWAYS remember you. . .
Sharon . . .