When will i ever stop

Dear Mum

Today i just want to rant to you about how i never seem to stop missing you. Today i was asking myself if i will ever stop. Last sunday was mother’s day and everyone was talking about how amazing their mothers were and how they took care of them and bla bla bla. So i sat down and i thought hard to try and remember something, i mean anything at all, i mean even just a lil bit far at the back of my mind there must be something that we did together that i should remember right? I could not think of anything at all.

Anyways happy mothers day.

I wish you were here with me and we could celebrate these days together. For some unknown reason i seem to think you would get me. Like you would know exactly what to say to me or you would understand me when i do stuff or you would get the meaning behind everything that i do.

Each day that im alive i keep missing you and i know its been long and no one would understand it but 27 years have gone by and the older i get the more i miss you. Someone came to me and said that im fortunate i never spend a lot of time with my mom so i have probably gotten over her by now. “AAH its easy when she passed when you are young then you don’t have any memories to cry over…” Well that is some crap right there but what can i say no one has ever been in my journey and no one understands what i went through.

No one knows what they did to me because my mum was not around, no one gets it. No one understands the importance of having your own mother, one who is yours and not shared, one who chooses you over the others. One when people say something will say, ” oh wait i will ask her” before drawing a conclusion, one who will believe me when i say something even when no one else believe me.

I mean one who believes in my capability and one who will not bring me down. My own mother who is my personal person, whom i belong to and one who knows how difficult it was to have to spend 9 months carrying me in her and then went through excruciating pain just to get me into this world and then someone had to cut our fleshly connection with a scissors but never the emotional one because how is that even possible.

Mum i will never get it. I hope eventually i will stop and eventually i will forget about you and eventually i will not remember how i came to being and how you died without seeing me growing up and all that. I am grown up yeah, and the more i experience the more i wanna share with you. I have wanted to always know that my home is in your embrace, where i can cry, laugh and all that and be comfortable. Was it HIV? or was it meningitis? what sickness took you away from me? I will never be able to forgive this illness… well i guess it’s not up to me anyways…

I miss you ma and i will always do… i love you to the moon and back and i know you will never know the extent to which my love goes but it’s deeper than i can ever imagine myself. I think it’s the 9 months i spent in your womb that causes me to feel pain everytime i think about you and it pains me that you will never be able to hear me say it but i will say it anyway…

I love you so much…

Till next time

Always your first


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