Recently i have been having lots of conflicts about what i wanted to write about and i kept having an intense urge to write about my parents’ death anniversary since June was their month, but then it was too painful to remember so i did not want to open those wounds. Then BTS released heartbeat, i can not explain the thoughts that went through my head when i first listened to it. I had goosebumps. Even though i knew it was for the game it just made me miss my mum so much but that is a story for another day.
Having been an outsider for most of my life, after i found this jam from BTS called Whalien 52 i just had to write about it today. I was thinking about how painful it was for me to have my heart call out but received no answer for a very long time. I almost cried reading about the story of this whale that cries out at 52 hertz and has been alone and lonely for a very long time. Thanks to BTS that i discovered this story ha ha.
I will define what i mean by outsider, a person who has the feeling that he or she is different from other people and can not be part of a group. One who tries but fails to fit in or think that people are judging them because of whatever reason and that no matter what they do they will never fit in or be accepted as ” one of them.”
The need to belong refers to a human emotional need to be accepted and identify with. It gives a sense of fulfilment and has a big influence on behaviour, attitude, beliefs, standards and can cause constant conflicts within one’s self. Always comparing yourself with other people, low self esteem and always trying to adopt to people leading to lack of identity. There is nothing as painful as lack of self fulfilment. Knowing you are trying but nothing makes you feel better or you feel like no one is there to acknowledge you and no one relates to what you are going through.
If anyone has ever felt like this before, then i can relate to this. Growing up i always had vacant place inside of me that has not been fulfilled but currently being occupied by music. I often feel like that whale that keeps trying to communicate but no one can understand what im trying to say and therefore no one understands. This whale was discovered the year i was born ha ha what a coincidence right? funny. This Whale has been crying out for years looking for friendship or to belong but no one can understand its frequency so they can not relate to it at all.
I remember when i was around nine playing with my cousins at my aunt’s place when she was getting married, one of my cousins was angry because she could not get her way and told me in her anger ” that is why you do not have a mother, because there is something wrong with you”, i knew everyone who was there had both parents and i had only a dad and couldn’t remember my own mother. I was only nine and i myself could not understand why everyone had parents but myself and then i actually believed it when she said that. Ever Since then i knew i was part of the extended family but because my parents were not alive i could never be part of them because i was flawed.
Then my dad told me when i was 13 before he passed away that the reason why i could not go to the same school as my cousins was because i was different and my situation was different, that there are some things i could never understand but i had to go to a school by myself where there are no other relatives. When he passed away that same year the gap between me and them kept growing. I couldn’t have everything i wanted anymore, i couldn’t have new clothes for christmas, i couldn’t have a cake for my birthday anymore unlike them they could have everything they wanted so yes i quickly realised that i was different. I took what life gave me and i made something of myself, but that vacant place inside me was never filled. My heart kept calling for a mum that i never knew, for something , anything.
I wanted to belong, my parents were not there so i started looking to be part of my cousins families so that i can belong too. But i could never fit in. Cos no matter how much i tried to assimilate, i was still a cousin and like it or not it has to be different. They would talk about their parents all the time or about this and that that they experienced and most of mine were painful so if i speak about them it changes the mood of the people around me, so i kept quiet. But then in my culture you are considered rude if you keep quiet or if you speak too much you are also rude, so anyways i was labelled rude which led me to second guess every time i wanna say something.
Then i became socially awkward, i would be a social butterfly during the day among my peers but then cry alone at night. I was scared to make friends but then i would still try to be strong even when i was weak. Then i started enjoying more and more time alone away from people, because alone no one judges me, no one misquotes me, no one listens anyway and they try to understand what they want anyways and ignore my cries anyways. I would leave work on friday, get home and leave my house again monday morning. I could not even travel or do anything people related for fear of people hence the beginning of social anxiety. Does it ever end (rolling my eyes).
So many question i had for the universe that was never answered. I tried making friends that had similar situations as mine. I took all their pain and made it mine so i can belong with them but then I lose interest because how can you carry someone’s pain when you can’t deal with yours. Then i tried to go to church, belonged to the ushers teams and evangelism groups but then it worked for a few days because at the end of the day you go home and you still remain the same person. So i dropped that as well. I joined lots of clubs made lots of friends but no one could really get it still.
This led to restlessness even in relationships and life in general. Then i did a meditation course and i learnt to look inside of me. Then i became less lonely as i started to let go of the need to belong and started accepting myself and healing. Do i want to belong? Yes i do. I will eventually but now on the journey to self-discovery i have started to find myself. I have started to forgive myself for trying to fit in and changing so much. I have started to accept myself as i am and i learnt that i do not need to adapt to the environment all the time, i needed identity and I stopped buying people and emotions. It is a work in progress thing. I cry sometimes and sometimes i laugh. I have found a happy place that is not lonely and i have found music that lives long. Music that i enjoy and music that heals me and that keeps me sane all the time.
I have just started my 30s but i have just started living recently, so im very young at heart. I found the magic shop that everytime that i am down, I open the door and it brings me back to Utopia, where everything is perfect. Then i deal with life one day at a time. I managed to head towards the surface and started breathing again. Even though my song does not have a response yet, i have found life and love in loving myself and being myself, and speaking myself. It was tiring trying to fit in anyways.
Hope you all do too…
Find your happy place, find yourself, enjoy being by yourself without being lonely and be comfortable being a Whalien . . .
I know I am comfortable being a whalien in this vast sea, that we all trying to keep our heads above the surface . . .