Sometimes i just want to be by myself, away from the noise of the world.
Due to recent events i have come to understand and believe that the internet is both a curse and a blessing. Mainly a curse o i don’t even know cos its the best thing that ever happened to me cause I got to be a part of a global community. And that came with a lot of crap too.
Well i did not know Sulli, i don’t think our paths ever crossed in dramas and movies. I like Krystal and Amber but her i did not know. So i was determined that her passing should not affect me at all. The news and entertainment around me all comes from SK and the USA and its difficult to focus on the brighter side when its all you hear. Some people were fighting about comparing Sulli and Jonghyun and i just did not want any part in these discussions or news so i switched off. Instagram, news apps and YouTube. I focused on me but it was too late i was already triggered.
I was so down and i couldn’t stop thinking about her. What was going through her mind when it happened. Was it just a lil bit weakness in mind that if she had survived it she would have looked back at it and say well that was one weak moment . From the articles that i had came across she was one strong woman who spoke out against haters and cyberbullying. Constant attacks may have affected her since she joined the industry when she was young, and im sure by now she was used to it. Or so i thought. Then some say she was depressed. Of course only depression can cause someone to take extreme measures.
You see sometimes things happen that you wish did not, and then people disappoint you and then the disapproval from people in this world. Trying to fit in and trying to be a pace setter, or even just trying so hard for acknowledgement. I have suffered from trying to fit in all my life and looking for approval and acknowledgement from everyone around me and everyone i meet. It’s a sickness i swear. Not everyone is meant to love and like you. Its lessons i learnt through difficult times and some time spent in therapy.
Once upon a time i was in hole that was too dark and just when i was reaching the end of that dark hole alone and beaten down i thought in my moment of weakness that i should end it too. I tried but i did not succeed. I can’t stop thinking about how extreme the pain i felt that day. It was so extreme i thought i was going to die from the pain alone. My heart felt like it was going to explode. And to think all of it was a mental struggle/war. As i look back now that i am stronger i feel like yeah i wasn’t supposed to be like that at all.
What if i had succeeded and then now that i am in a better place, they would have been no me anymore. I would have robbed the world of my brightness. I was weak and no one was there with me. Maybe just may be that is what happened to her. She was battling something and people thought she was dealing with it well. And in one moment she was just weak and she thought that was the best solution in that moment. I really hope that she is in a better place wherever she is.
Being alone in times of trouble is just a no no for me. I feel like we need people that are of sound mind, people that brings us positive energy and people that encourage us and understand us. I’m sure there is one person like that for everyone. That one person that do not trigger us into bad moods but once you encounter them you feel happy. I, over the years have encountered people who are like that for me. Sometimes BTS videos pull me out of my dark mood. I find myself laughing at how funny they are. Sometimes a chat with my friend does the job. She always listens to me and gives me positive vibes. Sometimes i just want to write it down and i escape it. Sometimes i find a book or a movie series with an interesting plot that serves as an escape till the dark mood passes. Sometimes it does not work at all and i just sleep it away.
However one should try to find a happy place so that these thoughts do not wonder and cause trouble. Seek help and do not keep it to yourself ever. We all deserve to shine our lights and better days are ahead.
I hope her light shines brighter in the after life. My thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends. I really hope we do not lose another precious soul like this ever again.
Until next time . . .keep safe