Trapped inside a dream.

I’m crying out on top of my voice but no one can hear me. I scream and shout please save me!! I’m drowning!! I can’t swim!!! Been trying to float for a longtime, im tired i can’t see where i am going!! Someone please help!! Sadly no one hears😌😌

Or maybe they heard me but they are ignoring me, because they are busy, busy living their lives. No one cares for you. You have to figure it out. I reached out my hand and there was no one. No one returned my gesture, all i saw was me.

Then all of a sudden, I came into this place and there were four walls surrounding me lined with mirrors. All i could see was my reflection. I tried to touch it but it was out of reach. I keep walking but the more i do the more i never reach out to touch it. But i could see the walls around me. I could look at them and see my reflection. What could this mean. Why can’t i see anything beyond this.

I close my eyes trying to look inside. I am too scared to move, i am blinded by fear, a sudden emotion that is foreign to me. What will i find inside? Should i keep looking? Is it worth it? Tears fill my eyes, so i cried out again and no one is there to save me.

So as I stand with my eyes closed looking inside weak and afraid, I see a lion, fierce and roaring, roaming around talking about how it is the king of the jungle and ruled over all. I realize in that moment that i need permission to live in this jungle. Everything about my survival is all up to the king. I need permission to survive, it’s a cold world. So i decide that i need to break free from this, i need to go somewhere, where there are no rules, where i do not need anyone’s permission to eat, walk, laugh and live. So i run so fast and i fight everything that is in my way, screaming, shouting and crying. I don’t stop at all, i don’t sleep, i don’t eat. I just keep running, I feel weak but i don’t stop, i need to be free from this hell of a jungle. 

I feel trapped so many times unable to breathe or breakfree. But i don’t stop I keep pushing forward until i see a big river. I know i don’t know how to swim but i dive in and try to swim across, almost drowning but I made to the end. This river marks the end of the jungle. The end of an era, where i do not have freedom. Finally breathing, I look around me and everything in this place is so beautiful. The vegetation is green and the air is cool and refreshing. It signifies peace and freedom and happiness. I feel it drying my tears and in that moment i realise that I have made it. I should be happy and maybe, just maybe i can finally let go.

This place is foreign and suddenly the feeling of freedom doesn’t excite me anymore as i realise that I am all by myself no one is here with me. And all of a sudden I’m back in that room again. Again? Why do i feel trapped in this room with four walls. I thought i escaped the worst only to find myself back where i started. But something is different this time, the reflection on the four walls surrounding me is quite different.

As i look on the first wall I saw the younger version of myself, may be 8 or less or more but less than 10. I looked and saw that she is crying silently, and she is walking towards me so i wait for her but she is never reaching me. I tried to reach out my hand to touch her so that i can find out what is wrong, but i couldn’t. She is too far away i can’t reach her.

So i looked on my right hand side on the wall i saw a teenage version of myself. She is quiet, praying perhaps, her eyes are open though. I can see them, the scars, OMG. Is that disappointment that i see in her eyes, or is that betrayal? Why is she alone though? Shouldn’t she go to school, i wanted to ask but i can see that she is not paying any attention to me. It looks like her face is swollen, did someone beat her up? I want to find out but I’m confused as to what is happening. So i look at my back.

This time I saw a silhouette mimicking my every movement. It’s me, exactly the way i am. I had not realized it yet but my clothes were worn out, torn looking like rags. I had bruises all over my face and body, but i was not bleeding. Could they be inside those bruises. I touch myself to try and locate them but i can’t see anything. So i look again on the mirror and my eyes were fierce red, slightly swollen, is that sadness that i see? Oh it’s not possible i have made it to the safe zone why am i sad. My shoes have holes in them i look tired and weary. Could these be the results of the fighting. I will just sleep and when i wake up tomorrow i will be fine i promise myself. It’s just been a long day.

On the fourth side there was me again. I was afraid because i could not really recognize this version of me. It looks like something i have never seen before. It is older and happy. The body looks healthy. She smiles at me and i feel a deep peace inside my heart, and my body feel so weak. She looks exactly like my mom and she looks like she knows all that i have been through since her smile is reassuring. Could this be me? 

Then something shatters with a loud noise and i woke up panting and sweating. Fear surrounds me and I realize tears are falling down my cheeks and i have lingering questions about the kind of life i truly want to live. Who do i want to be? What do i need to be happy? Is it really possible to be really happy???

I mean what is the point of all of this if i do not know the meaning of life…

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