Excuses, excuses, excuses, they tell me,
NO, they are not, I swear I can’t make this up
I can’t I swear, I am afraid
What about? You keep asking
Everything scares me
The night before a date
I can’t sleep, All I hear are voices
You think you are beautiful?
He won’t like you, you are too rude,
You are not worth anything, you are inconvenient,
Why are you even alive?
So, when I wake up, I am too tired from all the voices inside my head,
I am mentally exhausted, I am already discouraged,
My inner self is already scared, and taking the defensive
Then, the what ifs start.
The voices inside my head start again,
You seduced him, you deserve what’s coming to you,
What if he rapes you?
What if he thinks that you are too much?
What if he thinks you like men too much?
All I hear is my inner self crying out to tell me to make it stop…
STOP!! DON’T GO!!
You will hurt us, he will disappoint us, he will eventually cheat,
He doesn’t really like you; you are ugly and you are fat,
Wait till you lose some weight,
What’s the point of dating anyways?
So, I call my date up and tell them I have a diarrhoea, or an allergy,
Or that I feel weak and have a strange headache,
I probably have used all the sickness that I could,
Cancelling dates that could have been fun,
Deep down I know I am just scared of …… What?
I have no idea?
I know what that is,
An intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts related to persecution, threat or conspiracy
I remember that’s what my oxford dictionary said.
I may be familiar with that feeling on a personal level, or may be not,
I hate it when I think people are conspiring something against me,
Even though they are not,
Sometimes I meet strangers and I feel like they are out here to get me,
This person doesn’t even know me,
How is that even possible?
Every time I am busy trying to prove that it’s a conspiracy,
I was beaten up and scarred emotionally and physically,
I was hurt for a long time, felt betrayed and let down by people so very close to me,
But wait, did that actually happen or is it part of my imagination,
It could be fear or paranoia
I was once betrayed by a close relative of mine
She cooked up a story of how I was promiscuous at an early age,
Sleeping with a man old enough to be my father for money, she said
I looked up to her, you see, she was my role model
I loved her like my own and she took my trust and love and converted them into hatred
Each time I think about it I feel rage boiling inside of me like a storm
You see when a storm is forming in the clouds it gets dark, a lil windy
Then the wind gets stronger and stronger until lighting strikes.
Then it starts to pour, like me today,
I remember I tried to explain but no one heard me,
I mean my parents were not there so no one really believed me,
Who would believe me when I said I did not do it?
So, I was labelled with harsh words even at an early age.
Even I almost believed that I was what they said I was,
I lost faith in myself and in humanity,
were they correct? Did I actually do it?
I wasn’t sure anymore because their story was too good that even I almost believed it.
Why were they against me? Me, a young child, with nothing to give and everything to lose, I was young and naïve,
Why would they do this? The answer I will never know
I keep thinking I am being paranoid,
maybe or maybe not,
Did it actually happen?
I am not sure
You see, I cannot draw a line between my imagination and reality sometimes.
Ever since I was young, I kept drawing up an alternative reality for myself,
So, I can live in a bubble and create my own happiness,
Sometimes I find it hard to differentiate what happened in my life vs in my imagination
Did this betrayal happen or was it in my imagination?
Since I have been thinking about it since I was young, is it paranoia or is it justified?
Could my fears be real?
For everyone I meet how can I trust them?
What if they betray me? Can I trust my instincts?
Wait!!!! Did this actually happen or maybe I am being paranoid?
I am not sure maybe I’m just paranoid…