Painful memory

Today i want to off load some painful memories as part of my all things I left unsaid series and set myself free. You see, my memory is getting full these days such that i am failing to enjoy the here and now. I feel like i have been trapped so long in a nightmare, and i need to breathe. So imma let go one of the most painful memories in my life that caused me to have some problems in life. I just want to let it all go and be free.

During the time when i was 14, my younger sister had just passed away, i remember feeling hurt and feeling lost during her funeral. Just then after burial, my family held a meeting for me. They said that they had heard from one of my “sisters” that i was in a relationship with a sugar daddy ( a guy who was in his forties , married and with kids) and that i was missing out on school because of this. Sleeping with men for money. My grandfather also said that he heard that im always missing out on school and eating out good stuff. My other uncle, my father’s cousin said that i was dating a local bus conductor and that that’s why i miss school so much. I was in boarding school you see so they claimed that i would miss school because i knew no one would find out.

I remember as i was sitting down how terrible it felt. All of this was made up, i had no idea what they were talking about. I was the poorest girl in my dorm at school, i was super skinny and i can’t say i was beautiful, i was also not even confident at all. Where will i get the guts to date around. Everyone knew that i would go to school without food groceries and food in my trunk except for peanut butter and cleaning and bathing utilities. I relied on food from the school dining room. That moment i couldn’t even believe what they were talking about. Eating good food and avoiding school food?? Me? How?

No one gave me a chance to say my side of the story, my parents were not there so no one really cared actually. They just said that they would transfer me out of boarding school since i didn’t deserve to be a careless person that i was. I did not cry that day. I was in shock, i really wanted to cry though.

When i say i miss my mum, i did not even miss her on that day. I just need one day to sit down with her so she can remove this from my memory. I want her to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. These people are my family and they are not going anywhere. They have always been around and i think of this incident each time i see them. No one ever came to apologize for those false accusations. I know i don’t even cross their minds but i realised today that i have been holding onto this ever since that day.

I want to let it go.

I was now obsessed with making them know that i was never that girl. That i was always the same person that i am right now. I never broke any rules back in secondary school, high school or university either. I do not know how and why they thought i had it in me to do such despicable things. Until this day i have no idea why this happened to me. I always thought that maybe everything happens for reason but most of the things i went through were never for any reason that i know of.

Today i just wanted to say all the things that i left unsaid. So i can finally let go of this painful memory, that causes trust issues and hurt from the betrayal of those whom i thought were my closest and most trusted relatives. I did not enjoy most of my teenage years for fear of doing something wrong. There was a lot of things that i could have enjoyed but i missed out on all of that because i was misjudged once. I have looked for people that would trust me and everything that i say to be true. As much as to say if something goes wrong, then they will want to hear me out before passing a conclusion or judgement. I still haven’t found anyone like that yet but I am glad to say i want to let go of this memory that has caused me so much pain.

I wanted to say to my uncles, aunts and sisters who were there present on the said day… You were wrong. You should have not believed and draw conclusions before hearing my side of the story. Since all stories have two sides, you believed what you wanted and ignored me because i wasn’t worth your time. Why? what did i ever do to you? Why would a poor 13 year old girl do to older people that can hurt them. If it was about the money for boarding school was it that difficult to say that we transfering you because we can’t afford it, i would have understood and i wouldn’t have been hurt by it at all. I expected life to change when my father had died. He prepared me for it all before he died, it couldn’t have been that difficult to just switch my life.

I have no idea who that guy my sister talked about is, i did not miss school for any activities outside of school. I did not miss any meal from the school canteen. God is my witness in all of that.

Anyways today i will let go of this memory and never to bring it up anymore. I will never again hold it against any of you and I hope karma has already dealt with you. I forgive you, and i will work on myself to rebuild the trust in humanity that i lost when i was young, and finally learn to trust people again.

Until then…

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