Someone i asked for help once told me something that destroyed my self esteem but that made me let go of some of the pain i had and was holding onto. You see after my mum passed away when i was three i grew up moving from one household to the other. I stayed with almost all of my father’s siblings and alternating between them and my own father’s house. I would like to think i was close to my dad. I really loved him but he was hurt too and he didn’t know how to handle two kids who were hurting too, without a wife. So he did stuff on his own with his own pain and every one assumed that i was coping.
What kind of person will lack stability and remain the same person that they are supposed to be. I mean i was growing up and society was shaping me. So i noticed stuff here and there, stuff that shaped me, stuff that made me angry and stuff that made me very happy. I was growing up motherless in a society where mothers play a significant role in a girl child.
My father remarried and he too became preoccupied with his new family and we started fighting for his attention all the time because all of a sudden we were a big family. So i started acting up seeking his attention in many ways. I once threatened him and I would lock myself up in rooms. He was happy. He never took me for counselling so i assume he thought i was fine. And i will grow out of it.
Actually i was not, fine I mean. And i did not grow out of it at all.
So when he died and left me in this cold world i had no idea where to begin. I had misconceptions about family and life in general. I expected stuff that i had no business expecting and i got hurt over and over again. So when i went to college and got introduced to the internet era and i learnt that if u hurting you need counseling and you need to seek help, I went to ask someone for help. The person was a licensed professional and he charged me for a few weeks that i was getting help from him. I had no idea that that person was going to say what he said to me.
First, He asked me what was so special about me that everyone around me should love me the way i wanted to be loved. I was already an inconvenience because my mum was not there to take care of me. Imagine she gave birth to two kids and died soon after and then asked other people whom she had known for less than 3 years of her marriage to take over responsibility of her children.
People have their lives too and everyone’s life does not revolve around me. So when people i met were “unkind” to me some days or many days then its because of the strain that they were going through because of life. Not everything is about me. Probably they are fighting battles i had no idea about. After all life is not cheap and easy. He told me to look at it from their point of view and then know that i am lucky. Why would people be preoccupied loving you and caring for you the way you want them to when they have their life to live as well.
Honestly i feel lucky to have had an upbringing that i had. I am forever grateful to everyone that contributed to my upbringing and sacrificed a lot for me. Make no mistake i appreciate all of them very much. I am heavily indebted to all that supported me in this lifetime, nothing i can ever do will be enough to repay them.
That being said, I want to address the counsellor,
I later realised how messed up your advice was and i want you to know some stuff that i should have said but didn’t and now i want to let it all go as i am trying to heal and move forward with my life. You see, I am on this journey to self love and i think if i had started back then i would have been far by now.
I wasn’t wrong in expecting love from people around me and my own father’s attention either. I was young and i needed them to shower me love so i can be a kinder citizen of the world. I needed it and i still do. Someone needed to reach out to me and touch my hand and say your mum is not here but tell me if you need me for anything. If you are having boy problems, tell me if you are confused about life. Tell me if you are hurting and we will walk together. I did not need promises of a good life or anything, i just needed someone to listen. It wasn’t much to ask but i guess that’s what mothers are made for, and mine was not there. Why would you say i wasn’t entitled to it, i was trying to breathe, wasn’t there any way for you to teach me about looking for love in the right places, for example, inside of me. Everyone is entitled to be loved if not by people at least by themselves, it counts.
I can not even begin to explain what effect that advice had on me. I still suffer from the effects of it. You caused me to have bitterness that no one loves me. I may not be a special person such that everyone should love me but i am a human being that craves affection so i should have been loved when i was younger, especially from my own parents. If i think it’s not because i am not special then i will always think i deserve everything bad that happens to me because there is nothing special about me. How will i treat myself well if i think im not special and entitled to loving. Isn’t there a saying that says “How you treat yourself is how people around you will treat you..” or something like that.
No matter who you are or where you are from, we all obviously need some attention, some caring, some loving and someone who can trust us. Especially when we are young, we all need to feel safe too.
You destroyed my confidence, i started to feel like people should not love me, up to the extent such that in my relationships i never expected my boyfriend or my friends to love me. I started to just have relationships without emotions, i mean why love when you are not loved back, there is nothing special about me right? If something bad happens i would be like nothing is special about me, may be i deserved that, AH It’s exhausting to be honest.
I gotta say, once i stopped having expectations and my head was clear and i started taking each day as it comes, i accepted that i could never be loved by me or anyone because i’m not worth it then my relationships sort of improved but not really because it lacked genuinity. It’s so sad though, cos we all need some loving…
It’s only until recently that I learnt that love starts with me, so i can share it with others and that’s my journey at the moment, learning to love myself for myself and others around me. I can finally learn to pour from a place of plenty, i am letting go of your advice and finding love within myself. It’s a road that is worth it because i do not have expectations from other people or myself cause i am learning to accept myself the way that i am… each step I take slow or fast until i get there…
I hope no one else listened to such advice if any i hope they find value in themselves and learn to be full and complete in loving themselves… special or not