Dear Dad

I miss you soo soo sooo very much😭😭

25 May, 18 years ago, i was at boarding school during the mid morning study period in the dining hall at my school, when i heard my name being called and i was given a pass to go home. You sent a driver to my school to pick me up. You had been seriously ill for quite some time now such that i was scared. With a chemotherapy session that you had just undergone i was worried. Why all of a sudden you called me back home.

The driver told me that it was okay you were alive and just wanted to spend a weekend with me. I remember the last time you had visited me at school i had hoped into your arms screaming and crying tears of joy. I really loved you. My whole world revolved around you. And i knew you knew that, i know i shared you with other people but you never shared me with anyone.

When i got home i was saddened to see you so weak and in so much pain. I wanted to take that pain away from you eventho i was so young only 13 and naive but i knew that my life without you would be hell.

I remember i sat next to you and we talked a lot, we laughed and we cried and we watched movies. I had no idea you were saying goodbye. Well i was naive. You told me repeatedly that you were okay and that chemotherapy went well and that you were grateful to your friend for assisting you with some funds.

Remembering now you faked the whole thing, you were in so much pain and even though i could see it i insisted on believing you will get well soon, for fear of being an orphan.

Sunday, 26 May you gave me 1000 dollars that you had to borrow because you had no money left from countless doctors visits, and all the medical costs. You knew i wanted to go to a church conference and you made it possible as a last favor for me i suppose.

Was that your way of saying goodbye?

I remember jumping up and down being super excited that i was going to attend that church conference.

That Sunday afternoon i was about to leave without saying goodbye. I remember you stopped the car by sending someone to call me back. You were about to take a bath. I remember the look on your face. I assume you were heartbroken seeing that i still could not read and understand the times and situation.

I hugged you for a longtime and you said to me, ” oh you want to leave without saying goodbye? What if you never see me again? What if this is our final goodbye?” 🥺🥺

Sadly it was our last goodbye. I do not remember my response to that question even though i remember the question. I never knew that would be our last goodbye. I wish i had known then i would have stayed the week and i would have been there for you in your last minute. You left me when i was at stupid conference that i had cried to go to. Now i do not even remember what i learnt there. 1 June will forever be a black day, for i lost a part of me that day.

I remember everything that happened the moment you died where i was, even though i had no idea what had happened to you. All of a sudden there was lightning and thunder, clouds quickly gathered and it poured down from mid morning until late afternoon. Everything was gloomy and my mood just deteriorated such that i was just uneasy. Everyone around me already knew about it so they just started being careful but i hardly noticed it, only in retrospect. I wish i was there with you that day, because as soon as you left…my world changed completely. Everything i ever knew was all false and it was like i had stepped into a twilight zone. Trust me, i was as confused as i was hurt. Yeah it’s crazy i know. I miss you every day pa.

My heart breaks everytime i go through stuff and you are not there. I feel abandoned alone here on earth. I mean how u gon leave your daughter alone on earth? 18 years is a lot, and i can not even begin to explain the pain i went through just to survive and make it.

I have had no time over the years to heal, cos everytime i try something always reminds me that i need to survive and that takes priority over healing my heart. I never took care of it or myself for i have been constantly battling a lot of things, from acceptance, fitting in to just basic survival.

I could have had my own family but i was too busy to even have a meaningful relationship, plus it’s tough to find your own father in everyman out there. I mean i realised that i looked for you everywhere.

On my graduation day, the day that i was most proud of myself arrived when i was weak and feeling despair. I had fought one of the most difficult battles of my life and i was physically ill. I heard them calling my name and people clapping and i stood and i looked for you. I wanted to know if you were proud of me, or if you were watching. Not only that moment, but many moments. When life surprised me, when i was abandoned or misled or betrayed by people close to me, i always thought of you.

There’s no end to my love for you pa… i will forever love you and i will never stop. You are me and i am you. You made me and even tho you left me, you live in me forever and i know you are at peace.

Today i celebrate your life and today i mourn your loss and today i look up and say, im tired of crying over you. I need to start smiling whenever i think of you.

I hope that day will someday come

But until then…

I will be thinking of you and loving you as always

Continue to rest in peace papa,

💜💜💜💜

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