I Changed

Excuse me, since this where i discuss my drama i would like to go on a journey to discover the moment I changed and see if i can undo my sad. I seem to look at my past a lot but I have my reasons. I feel my past is holding me captive and stopping me from enjoying the present. I feel like it has something to do with when I changed. I used to be happy and then one day I woke up sad and have been since then.

Have you ever run away from something? Do you get settled and relaxed if you know that, that something is still after you? Have you ever fought an invisible enemy? I mean, you do not know when they will strike but you know they are there. Sometimes i feel like that except that where i’m at now the enemy has changed and is no longer the one i used to fight. I have conquered that enemy, wait!!! I am not sure if i won that battle yet, mmm maybe, well i guess i will figure it out soon. Anyways i have realised that my biggest enemy is myself and i need to deal with it sooner rather than later.

When did i become my biggest enemy? Where wasI when it happened? What had happened for me to end up like this? I feel like if i do not deal with this enemy of mine i will not make it. By make it I mean to live a fulfilling life filled with happiness and normal stuff like normal people should feel. Wait!!! Are there any normal people out there? Sometimes i think everyone is going through something and we all could be weird in one way or the other.

So here’s what i know; I changed sometime between being a teenager and young adulthood? I think, I’m not sure though. Well i will be sure to find out. I used to think of myself as a confident, proud and hardworking person. I was poor and living from other people’s leftover change and clothes but i never saw myself as unuseful. I used to be bright and smile a lot and never cried as much as i was supposed to. I used to be motivated and had great dreams and always thought i will reach for the stars.

I valued myself and my body. I was a shining star and the world was my playground. I wanted to do it all and enjoy it all. But somewhere along the lines i started lacking confidence, i became ashamed of myself, I stopped being friendly and sociable. I started becoming awkward and avoided all social gatherings if i can. I do not enjoy the stuff i used to anymore. I know the person i want to be but im afraid of being that person, WHY? you ask? Well because im afraid to be judged… I never used to care what people thought of me and now as i have realised that is all i care about and obsess over day and night. When did i start feeling sorry all the time?

Huh, I can’t believe this is who i have become, so excuse me, i do not want to be that person anymore. I want to be my own person with a loud voice and with wings that can help me to fly to where my feet can not reach. I want to be that social butterfly that i used to be. I want to walk into meetings with my head held high and know that i will nail it. I want to be innovative and not be afraid of failure. I want to try it all.

So today i will start that journey to reclaim myself from myself who is stopping me from reaching full potential. I may never be that same person but i know after this journey i will be better than i was yesterday and even better than who I am today.

I have faith in myself, i think i will win and fight this enemy and reach for the stars again,

Until then

All my love 🎈❤❤❤💖

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