Have you ever had a world as you have known crash in front of you? Like literally crashing before you and you can see things changing in your eyes. To see that actually the grass is never greener on the other side. Noticing that all that glitter wasn’t even gold. Excuse me while I try to go down my journey of discovering why I changed.
I think it began that day, I mean the day I discovered that it was just pure glitters made of plastic and that it was never gold. That moment defined a lot of what scares me today and introduced the fear of everything in my life. It began with the fear of change, the fear of failure, the fear of success and even the fear of being happy. That one is the scariest of them all. Imagine being in a place where you ought to be happy, ought to feel accomplished and to feel like you have made it and instead you feel scared and despair and like you are falling apart, what happened to being happy.
Currently i came across a sermon preached by Pastor TD Jakes where he elaborated on the concept of exhausted emotions. I felt like he knew me because I realised that must be it. I have exhausted all the emotions and I am just tired. Tired of everything, I mean life with all its ups and down. The endless fights for survival drowning me and I constantly gasping for air. Sometimes I find it hard to know which emotion to use, whether i should be happy, cry? or should be sad?
But then I realised that actually I do not have anything going on in my life now that makes me want to fight. Like I have never been heartbroken by a guy in all of my relationships. I have never allowed myself to be in love ever since my first love who I broke up with because, well I don’t remember it must not have been important. I realised that it has been years since my emancipation and that I do not need permission for anything in my life but I always feel like I do though. I remembered that I live according to my own principles now and I have the power to make myself happy and do whatever I want. I see what I like and I’m gonna get it. I am the kind of person who eats what she likes, goes to movies if I want, order takeout or eat out whatever, I am my own boss.
So why am I not happy?
Is it because the endless fights that brought me to the here and now made me tired and confused my brain? Or maybe I have been too used to feeling sorry for myself to such an extent that it is now difficult to let go? It could be that pain has been my friend throughout my childhood and feelings of being unwanted were so obvious to the extent that I think this is and should be normal. Well how can it be normal when I need to be happy? How do I undo something so familiar and step into the unknown. When fake smiles and fake happiness have been my comfort zone, being actually happy is so foreign and I am scared that it doesn’t suit me.
But I am constantly wondering how I know that it will not suit me, what if it does?
What if I look good and pretty because I am happy and feel fulfilled. What is happiness anyways? I am eager to know. I sometimes feel unsafe in safe places. It’s funny because I have a friend who once told me that and I laughed at her but look at me now… She said she feel comfy only when she is in the ghetto and each time she goes to beautiful suburbs and expensive apartments she gets intimidated. But honestly I feel comfortable only in expensive places and when I eat expensive food and I feel safe even though I do not necessarily feel like I belong there.
So where is my place then? Where do I belong? Why do I feel like I’m in danger when I am actually not? Why am I still holding on to past betrayals, pain and hurt as if I own them? They just make me miserable but why am I afraid to let go.
After surviving a traumatic experience I feel like it is something possible to feel like this and I am so happy that I have now a support system in place that is helping me to feel happy. It’s called project 2020 – learning to be happy and living in the moment. I am taking baby steps and identifying stuff like this has helped me a lot. I hope to keep working on this till I am actually living a happy life. And I hope this will be without conditions but unfiltered and unconditional happiness.
If you following me on this journey I hope you can go on a self discovery journey of your own and discover what it is that you are looking for. I hope my story will be able to touch just one person and help them to find their happy too. I am trying to find mine. In my next article I will share the lessons I am finding helpful for project 2020 and hopefully we all can be happy today and forever.
Keep smiling, faking it until it becomes a real smile,