Reflections: the last week of November 2019

One year ago in November something happened. Something that was too big to ignore. Something that defined a lot about my life and something that changed my personality and the kind of person that I am.

There have been days in my life that i would love to ignore and days that i have written down as monumental. 11 September 2015 and 26 November 2019 are the days that are so identical yet so different. It doesn’t make sense at all but these days indicate the beginning and the end of eras that were so difficult. I will discuss 11 september some other time.

One year ago i went for a vacation in cape town in South africa. I fell in love with that place at first sight. It felt new, like i was out of Africa. I mean I have been to USA, Asia but i can’t compare Cape town to New York or Dubai. It is different in its own way and it has this beautiful vibe or feel to it that is just awesome and i just felt comfy right away.

The beginning of 2019 i had dealt with a crazy wave of anxiety and depression. My company had split up and i was scared that i was going to lose my job. To make matters worse my boss sort of checked out on us and as a small company that we are we were all so confused and scared that she was going to let us go. I was constantly trying to figure out from which angle i was going to be hit from, I watched my back all the time. I tried looking for another job but i couldn’t find anything at such short notice so i could keep calm.

The job was a lot, settling was difficult and i just started getting worn out. At first it was insomnia, that gave birth to fatigue and then i was edgy all the time. The deadlines the confusion got to me. I would find myself crying a lot behind closed doors. I had this intense feeling of running away. I had no idea to where but i just wanted to run and never stop.

I discovered that i had no safety net, i had no one to take care of me if i were to break down. I do not have parents and my adoptive parents always say do not come back, just stay there and do whatever, we can not take care of you. I understand life is tough but i felt like if i fall i would sink deeper than what i can actually see in my mind, so each time i would be like if the time comes, i will kill myself because i have no where to go.

So as each day comes and go i kept saying the same things. I turned 30, i was not really happy. I started thinking maybe i should have agreed to marry my ex boyfriend who had in the past suggested to marry me. I did not love him anymore because he had cheated on me and lied so many times but still i found myself thinking he would have been the best to help me out. It’s exhausting to figure everything out by yourself and i was thinking at least my mind would be at ease if only i had a husband.

You see the problem with the what ifs is that they bring out regret and it eats you up endlessly. And then you start falling deep into the abyss such that to get out will not be easy. So like any normal human being with my history of suffering, pain and loss i fell into a depressive disorder. To say i was a mess on the inside is an understatement.

I started being afraid of people and decided to stay holed in my house waiting. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. It was extremely exhausting to just wait for something bad to happen such that i fell ill. I went to the hospital and the doctor did lots of tests and said that I was fine. So i started praying and fasting.

I bought this prayer package and i did as instructed in the manual and i kept going and the more my prayers were not answered the more a part of me kept dying. I started fasting sometime in August until beginning of November 2019. It was crazy, i remember crying a lot. But maybe i would have died if i had not held on to prayer, i will never know.

I was scheduled to go for my annual vacation to Hongkong and Bali but then because of the situation in Hongkong i changed to try and visit Bali and Singapore instead. A slight fight with my travel agent because they did not respond to my emails on time i cancelled my trip. I was scared that something would happen to me in a foreign land with such careless trip planners or maybe i was just too sensitive and paranoid just like everyone dealing with depression.

I almost stayed holed in my apartment but my friend forced me to book a flight to cape town. That is how i found myself going to South Africa for the November vacation dates. I never knew i was scared of flying until i flew to cape town that day. I was holding onto my seat like a crazy person. Thank God it was a short flight but yoo i was beyond exhausted from holding onto my seat for fear that the plane was going to crash.šŸ„ŗ

My hotel was amazing, so beautiful & in an amazing neighbourhood and it was everything i needed. The first day in the city i did not do anything. I was sooo exhausted and just down. My friend called me around 3 and said i should just go eat out so i did. I then also did the aquarium but my mood was just sour so i quickly came back to sleep.

The most unfortunate or you can say fortunate thing happened, i had pre-booked a trip to the cape peninsula for a full day red bus tour, so I was forced to go out on the 26th of November which was a Tuesday. My mood was all over the place. I was scared of people and i had a bugs crawling inside my body kinda feeling. I was edgy the whole time. Have you ever been surrounded by beautiful and amazing things and still felt like shit. Yeah, that is how i felt inside. I smiled and posed for photos but I couldn’t feel it inside. I needed to be happy but I did not know how.

Well to say the Cape peninsula is beautiful is an understatement. It is just majestic. I loved everything and i kept feeling like i should have visited when my mood was fine šŸ™„šŸ™„ i mean as if. I took lots of pictures i breathed in a lot. I just floated in the good atmosphere and all. It was so hot though i remember i got sunburn šŸ˜‚. That day was just a good day in general.

I do not know why, i do not understand how but it could have been too much sun or just nothing at all but when i got to the hotel i was thinking of ending my life. The feeling to do that was so intense and hit me harder than before. The 26th of November 2019 almost ended in tears for a few people that love me.

I had no ammunition however, i thought of many ways of doing it but before I could actually do anything with tears on my face, my phone rang and my brother was looking for me to just “check in” on me. We talked for about 2 hours until i was calm and then my friend called me as well and then i climbed down from whatever zone i was. I just remember after their calls i no longer felt like ending it all.

When the 27th came i booked a 3 days trip with the red bus and continued my tour of the southern cape. For some reason i do not remember being happy in 2019 until Thursday the 28th of November 2019. I went to the wine farms and i drank some wine, I chatted people up and i remember thinking i am sooo happy today. I even bought two bottles to go šŸ˜‚,okay maybe it was the alcohol thinking but it was a foreign feeling.

Saturday the 30th of November 2019 was the happiest of my trip. I went and partied it up at some korean event at the waterfront and i remember calling my friend that i was the happiest person alive. It was that day that i decided i needed to go seek help. I wanted to protect my happiness so as soon as I got back home I made an appointment with a GP who started me on medication for anxiety with depression. I thought that was the end of this journey and that story but no it was the beginning of another difficult road with antidepressants that i was not even prepared to deal with. I am glad that I did not go ahead and fall in my moment of weakness and I drew strength and comfort from my family who called me and realised that there was no way i was capable of handling anything by myself. I needed help.

Looking back i see this moment as a very necessary moment, I felt so much pain and I was just tired but it was necessary because my journey to healing needed to happen. One year now and I can safely say that I am in a good space. A very stable and safe space. I enjoy my life now and I cherish each day as it comes. I have been a social butterfly again. I do not pretend to be happy, I am happy, I feel happy and I feel safe and at peace.

I am still guarding my happiness and the joy that i knew i was capable of feeling jealously but 2020 came with it’s on problems that had nothing to do with the pandemic. I hope to share my road to healing soon.

If you are interested thank you, and i hope you will find your happy place and guard it too.

I hope that, for everyone reading this, that you find everlasting joy, peace and love šŸ’œšŸ’œšŸ’œšŸ¤—šŸ¤—šŸ’‹šŸ’‹šŸ’‹

Until next then āœŒ

I love you!!!!!

PS: Please do not hesitate to check on someone, you never know, you just might make their day and save their life.

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