Writing about this has not been easy but i feel like writing about it. I want to own my story and be the one to share it. I hope if not entertaining, at least someone could learn from my mistakes. Or maybe someone will be able to feel like they are not alone in this journey because it can be lonely and sometimes you feel like the worst person on earth. I want you, my fellow reader to draw strength from my story. I hope you are able to get encouraged and know that even if you have fallen on the ground, you only have to go upwards, there is no where else you can go. If you reach rock bottom you have nothing to lose and from there the next step is up and only up my friend.
Anyways in December of 2019 after i came back from Cape town I decided to get help from a general practitioner close to my house. Tbh i had no idea if he was good or not, i just chose him because i was lazy and he spoke english and he was close to my house. He promised to take care of me. He told me that anxiety was my main problem so i just had to take alprazolam and he will guide me until I am fine.
Well, that drug is something else. I would sleep all the time. I used to take it in the morning and all i did was feel sleepy. He told me to stop taking coffee and well, I was relieved that it was December and I was going on vacation again so i would have enough time to sleep. Kinda like now 😁😁 im counting down to the holidays.
So during the Christmas break I went to my home country and I had a crazy but enlightening conversation with my older brother. I told him how I was feeling depressed because i felt alone. I felt like no one cared and i have no one to rely on. He is a medical doctor so he actually looked like he understood where i was coming from. It’s worse because I live in a foreign country with no family close by so he was worried about that and he kept on saying I hope you did not come to say goodbye 🤭, it crossed my mind actually but I said nope i was there to just catch up.
So with alprazolam i would have crazy nightmares. It would always be the place I hate the most. The place of my fear and worst experiences. I always had to go back there and i hated it. It was just a hellish dream after dream. Soon i was too exhausted because i could not sleep and then paranoia kicked in. I will never forget the time i fell from my bed. 😂😂😂 yeah my dreams were crazy. I drank beer of course and then I would skip on the evening dose which i later learnt was a mistake, but hey i was just tired of being sober n exhausted.
A few days before the end of the year my brother took me to a psychiatrist back home so he can check on me, you know just for second opinion. He told me my problem was not anxiety but depression because if the way i grew up ,etc. So he switched my medication to amitriptyline.
Now this is a drug from hell. Two weeks into it i had not only nightmares but also panic attacks. Well i had no idea what that felt like so i thought it was just a heart problem, i could not breathe and then i was like well that’s it I’m dying. I was back at home in my country of residence and alone once more. I xalled my brother and he just as usual distanced himself from me, so i was once again alone.
I noticed all my symptoms kept getting weirder when i couldn’t stand being in an elevator without feeling like i was dead. I couldn’t use any elevators anymore without panicking. I would wake up late and report for work late but cover for it by working late. If ever i had doubted that i had depression during that time i was convinced i had it and i was going to die from it. This was a drug straight from the pit of hell i tell you.
Took it for 4 weeks straight and something good happened to me, the meds ran out and i needed a new prescription. So i had to find a new doctor to write me a prescription but i needed a new opinion on my case because i was wilting and felt my very soul slipping away. It was the worst experience of my life. I cried a lot, i couldn’t do anything for myself anymore.
Enter my new psychiatrist whom i shall refer to as Dr F. That man was like “why are you taking amitriptyline let’s drop it now it has more side effects than the benefits, imma start you on setraline/zoloft.” This was beginning of February, meaning I had 3 different types of antidepressants in less than 3 months. He told me that nope you have anxiety with depression 🥺🤷♀️😰😰😰 i mean talk about mixed diagnosis, different doctors different opinions. I mean i do not even know the differences 😁🙄🙄. I really felt like crying but Dr F was not giving up on me. He wanted daily reports from me. And he surely followed up on me.
The first 2 weeks were okay but the third week i was off-sick. I had to be, i couldn’t wake up. It was a chore, a very difficult one even to brush my teeth or to even bath my whole body. The longest i went without bathing was 4 consecutive days. 😂😂😂🤒🙈🙈🙈 Well i was thinking that i was going to die. It was crazy, a shit show. I ate take out, kfc to be specific. My whole being just craved that poison, so I indulged myself.
But 4 weeks after i started taking setraline i recovered like i was never sick. I was not happy but i had recovered completely. I was happy to stick to Dr F and he became my hero because he checked up on me and my family did not even care. I felt like he cared even though i paid for consultation 🤷♀️. The nightmares were still there and then paranoia, i think i even got schizophrenic at some point during this whole treatment so Dr F prescribed to me Quentiapine (dopamine) …. well that one is a drug in its own category. It demands to be felt and whilst i loved taking it, i did felt it’s presence enough on the scale. 😁😁⚖
This has become too long….
To be continued tomorrow….