My journey with depression (pt3) – a continuation
Wikipedia defines a nightmare also called a bad dream, as an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically fear but also despair, anxiety or great sadness. The dream may contain situations of discomfort, psychological or physical terror, or panic. After a nightmare, a person will often awaken in a state of distress and may be unable to return to sleep for a short period of time.
I just felt like defining nightmares for people who have no idea what i went through. I read upon a lot of definitions and this best describes exactly what i went through and the sadness stayed the most even on days i slept through the night… it clung to me and at times a dream will linger for a week and with it i would be extremely sad, afraid and just jumpy.
The nightmares started as a result of taking antidepressants. Alprazolam took me to my home town and rural area where i grew up wvery single night. Ever since i started taking it i would always be at my rural home every night. Somehow it distorted my brain or whatever. I woke up scared the whole time and then i started becoming insomniac and then fatigued and then i was slowly losing myself. Alprazolam attacked a certain part of my brain that really got me extremely sad but it handled my anxiety so well. I just was not able to sleep well.
When i was taking amitriptyline it eas the same except i have no idea what my nightmares were about all i know is i was extremely distressed.
Then inwas given setraline, well i was just sleeping around 4am and waking up at 7 on most days. So i just became more and more of an emotional eater but I wasn’t really recovering at all.
So my doctor thought i should use quentiapine and then it worked to get me to sleep the first week and then well the nightmares started again. So instead of treating anxiety and depression we started focussing on sleeping disorders. I started becoming afraid of people more and more. So Dr F introduced me to Zolpidem. So i would yake both Zolpidem and Quentiapine for sleeping 🥺 i felt drugged all the time because i was still taking Setraline for anxiety.
I slept better for what, like a month or so then for fear of getting more medication i just started lying to my psychiatrist so i don’t have to change or take more. However the problem persisted for sometime. During these days i would wake up screaming. It became worse to an extent where i fell on my bed once or twice, or i would wake up sweating and screaming my voice so horse with tears on my face and I wouldn’t even remember the dreams. Some times i would dream falling in deep hole and i would wake up jumping from my bed.
To say i was exhausted is an understatement. I do not know how to explain how i felt during my treatment. However somewhere along the lines i started therapy. I hated my psychologist a lot. She triggered me a lot so the nightmares became worse, if that is even a thing.
She helped though because along the way i stopped dreaming and i stopped being afraid and i started sleeping well. I have no idea when and i can’t pin point a time i just realised it after a few months or more I have no idea, i just noticed that i hadn’t had a nightmare in a while and i was so relieved.
My nights still were characterized by sleeping pills but i slept so well at least 6 to 8 hours a day and all i can say is that I am grateful and happy that i have come this far.
I will not write a gratitude post today as i am still feeling grateful for my therapist who worked me up and assisted me a lot in my journey to treat anxiety and depression. I wish i could have handled my story differently but i would not trade my journey with anyone else for these experiences. I feel like this is my path meant for me and i have become stronger and the therapy sessions opened my eyes and led me to where I am now.
I am so grateful for Dr P and the help she gave me. I do not know where i would have been if she hadn’t helped me through my nightmares.
Will continue my journey with depression in next article….
Until then 💕💕💕✌🤗🤗🤗💋💋