It’s day 22 of December and i have been trying to teach myself to be grateful. I would like to appreciate the journey and how my mind just automatically asks each day what we are grateful for. I acknowledge everything from the air that i breathe to the sun and the wind. I am grateful for the water and everything else.
I think after this month I seriously need to do 30 days of self love. I want to separate myself from everyone and just do some self care. I have been feeling down of late. The feelings creep in and some days I am good at chasing them away but most days like today i succumb to the feeling and it drowns me, cos i have never been good at swimming.
My weightloss journey that is yet to take off drives me crazy, the struggle with the battlefield that is my mind makes it even worse. I tend to overthink and i end up eating my emotions. I am well aware of everything wrong and nothing that is right. I feel overburdened by the fact that I know what is wrong with me and I can not help myself become the person that i think I should be.
What is IT that I should be?
This plays in my head all the time. How much am I supposed to weigh? How much money should i spend? Should i restrict myself from the stuff that I enjoy so people can accept me? If my friend does not have money should i also pretend not to have money so we are equal? How should I behave around people?
I think I am too talkative and people judge me secretly. I want to do better. I keep mantras in my head, that I am happy and I need to be positive. The thing is silence is deafening and if im around people and there is silence then I’m trapped in my head but then to avoid that, shouldn’t i talk to fill in the space? Then Im thinking OMG i keep talking about myself i need to shut up but then, I don’t know? The cycle repeats all the time and I am so exhausted after a day spent around people.
I am truly grateful to have people that want to be around me but I am so exhausted all the time. I feel numb at the end of every appointment and hang out such that i become so sad. My head is super cloudy and I am on the verge of tears.
So i am trying to keep a positive mind and find something to be grateful for today and all i can come up with is that at least I am alive and breathing. That is a good thing right? I am so thankful for that. I want to get a grip and behave my age but… what is a person my age supposed to behave like?
I don’t know since this is my first life and experiences differ from person to person… maybe i will figure it out soon or maybe never but it’s okay… at least I am breathing and tomorrow is a new day with its own fresh pages waiting to be written by me. I am grateful that i get to sleep off my emotions and fatigue…..
Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day than today 🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻