I really miss you. Today its raining again, I have not opened my curtains for the past two weeks, I am very low on energy but I can not take a break because I need to work to survive. I have to dad, I work so hard everyday, I put in long hours and I really am exhausted. But that is not important I can sleep it off, I am emotionally exhausted. How do I get my energy back?
I have been trying to be positive, practicing gratitude, practising a lot of things they said should help me out but I am slowly sinking dad. I have realised that I am growing weaker and weaker each day. I have always been strong, I had to be when you left. I had to be strong so they dont bully me to my grave. I have kept on being strong and sometimes I wonder if i spent all my energy on that and now I am just beyond exhausted. You know that I have no one to blame for this but you.
I blame it on your death because if you had not gone then I would just come home and rest in your embrace. I really need a hug right now. I keep hugging my kitten and sometimes she looks at me and m sure she thinks I am weird. I am tired of living tbh, I keep going and I have no idea where and what for. They tell me to look at the bright side and I honestly try and really want to do that always. You know what? I can not even feel happiness and I laugh and smile but my heart keeps crying and screaming for someone or anything to save me. I feel abandoned and alone and sometimes I blame myself for it.
Should i have gotten married? Would that have solved my problems? what even is my problem? Why am I sad the whole time? Why does everything I do comes off as a struggle and others live their lives smoothly and easy? Why does everyone around me have someone to call and cry to and I have noone? Am I to blame for it? Why do I have to keep going for this? One of my friends said i should keep on hoping for good things to happen to me… really? Until when do i need to keep hoping for? When is the date of the day that i should give up? I put all my strength in hoping and having faith but until when should i do that?
I am tired of expecting good things to happen to me. I am tired of waiting for something amazing to happen when all i do is seem to attract all the negatives of this world. DAD I think I am broken, I do not think anyone can save me really. This rain can’t seem to stop either and I hate it. The rain remiinds you of the day you left me. How can I be happy? It rained a lot that day and I sort of felt weird. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea my support was going away from me, far far away where I can not reach them. I hate it Daddy, I hate it a lot.
I really miss you that is all I am saying. I am tired and wouldn’t mind a hug and to cry in your arms and just feeling your fatherly love you know. But that is wishful thinking right? I need to get over it but I am sorry I am failing to get oover your absence in my life.
I love you and will always do.