I wonder

I sometimes wonder about a lot of things. I actually have a lot of time spent alone to have my mind wander around with nothing to do and end up wondering about things that I should have no business wondering about.

I wonder how it feels to never know pain. Like emotional, chronic pain. The deep kind. The kind that when you feel it, it is all you will ever remember and nothing else. The kind of pain that takes away everything and makes you forget you were ever happy. You know not headache or period pain but PAIN of losing yourself or something that you literally can not move on. I wonder how it feels to just go on about your life without pain and just living life. Is it something nice? I bet it is, it sucks that I just do not know it.

I wonder how it feels like to never know fear. Like a baby to just live life making decisions, taking risks and never fearing betrayal or being burnt. I wonder how it feels to just be able to make decisions on a whim and just enjoy life and say whatever Y.O.L.O right? I bet it feels good to just leave a job and get another one. I bet it feels good to never worry about where your next plate of food comes from. I bet it feel good to just quit and say I am going home because there is a home to go to when all else has failed. It must feel good to have choices. For the longest time i have lived like someone who felt like they have had little choices over the general life decisions other than basic stuff because I take care of myself and I have to do it all by myself and I am not complaining or anything I bet it just feels good to never have anything to complain about at all.

I wonder what its like to feel whole. To feel accomplished, to feel completed and to feel loved and loving back equally. I have loved and never loved and have been loved where I never loved. I have been afraid a lot of times to be hurt so i protected myself and loved only a little with conditions because well they always leave right? I wonder how it feels like to just love unconditionally because oooo what i would give to be able to do that. Wouldnt that be amazing to live a fulfiling life where you win some and lose some but in general you win at life and love and there is a home filled with family to love and be loved by.

You know to have siblings that listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. You know to have people that are willing ro be there for you as much as you are there for them. I wonder how that feels to have siblings and family like that. You know the life that when you feel like crying you do not call your therapist to pay her to listen to you but to have someone who actually wants to be there to listen and hug you whenever you need it.

I wonder how I can be a proverbs 31 woman. I wonder if that is even possible. I wonder if it is possible for me to keep hanging on by a tiny thread like this and until when? I wonder when all these questions will end. I wonder if I will ever be happy. I just wonder and wonder and wonder if I will ever stop paying people to listen to me and to love me and to come see me. Its funny but i pay some family members to come and spend time with me and to listen to my pain, I buy them stuff and feed them. I wonder when will I ever stop this pathetic behavior.

I wonder when I will start crying and let it off my chest and become normal again.

Please tears just come so we are done with this phase already.

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