Welcome to my new segment. I hope this will be fun as I confess, you know how the drama goes. Usually its not fun more like a sad super story but I swear I might have some interesting confessions in my bag. I just need to let it all out. If my life was a movie I wonder what its name would be…. mmm it would be so dramatic that is for sure.
Sometimes i hate everyone and everything even myself. I hate to admit it but sometimes i start suspecting everyone around me wants to kill me or betray me or do something to me. So during those time Im super alert and super suspicious and paranoid a lot. It drives me crazy to the point that I hate myself for being like this. I start shouting at myself from the inside like sometimes its not very kind.
I have been betrayed a fair share in my life as i was growing up because i was an orphan no one benefited from taking my side. I used to confide in people about my worries and fears. Wnen life got tough i would narrate the events in my life just to make the weight easier so i could soldier on. But then one day the person i used to confide in betrayed me and went behind my back and told the person who used to be cause of my most but not all my sorrows everything and even more lies to make it spicier because she wanted a favor from her.
They used to say a problem shared is half solved but those were lies from hell. I can tell you that and believe me when I say this, each and evryone that came after always used to comment and start a conversation and I would just laugh and refuse to comment. A problem shared is never a good thing when you are an orphan, infact it can be used against you in the court or public embarassment situations.
You see I was not gossiping but i had no intention of confronting anyone being young and all. So yeah when she heard I was understress because of some of her behaviour, she turned it against me and well if you have ever been beaten by shoes, hands, foot/legs, cooking wooden and metal spoons. Well anything goes. I will never forget that day. I was ready to go and meet my dead father because i was in too much pain. The weirdness of it is if all of it was correct i would have been relieved to know that she knows, but then most were lies.
Eversince this incident i tell noone and everyone my secrets. I have no secrets and i have only recently confided in a few friends but not to say i am not having trust issues with them. I trust them but on some days when i get paranoid i fear they will betray me and my life is over. Well at least my secrets are not really secrets anymore. I want my story to be heard so i won’t be shocked to hear a different version from someone else. I tell it how it happened and that brings me a little bit of satisfaction and lessen my fears of betrayal. This is the reason I am here, to tell my own story so that no one can take it away from me.
Ugh i hate this but well… life sometimes teach us crazy lessons that makes us fearful adults.
That’s it for today. Until next Monday, keep well and stay safe.