Hi, I am back again with my confession Mondays/ healing mondays if you prefer. So I have been taken by the phrase IKIGAI – so I am researching my purpose for life. Recently life has not been kind to me or maybe that’s just depression talking but I went from getting sick with the “flu” to forcefully moving out of my old house within a span of two months. The house hunt was a nightmare and I had like a week to find a new house and move out of my old house for my safety. I feel like i live in a movie and I hate that movie so bad, i keep wishing for it to end. So i have found myself constantly asking questions about why I really am here? What is the purpose to all of this and do I have to keep going? I hope my soul-searching journey will go well and that some day soon I will find satisifaction in being alive and living my true purpose.
Well my confession today is kinda weird……….but
I’m so jealous of seeing other people happy with their parents… u know. I am ashamed of this but it really triggers me big time. I was watching a BTS movie I think its Bring the soul or Burn the stage, Im not sure but V was talking to his dad so happy telling him he was on his way to Norway asking him if he was jealous and he was so happy.. i laughed & i swooned, i was genuinely happy for him cos in that moment he looked so happy and it spread through to me as well but then my laughter turned bitter very fast.
I want that too you know… the relationship with my father. To call him out of the blue and tell him that i’m doing this or that i’m going there… To express with tears of joy that something amazing happened to me and that i am so excited… I want someone to share great news with whom I know is genuinely happy for me like my dad or my mum. But then again my life is ….. that is not my portion… I do have good news but i have no one to celebrate with… and sadly i cry alone whether its good news or bad news cos either way its sad all the same.
I remember a few years ago I was at a family gathering, our grandfather invited us for a celebration and we slaughtered a cow and was just eating and celebrating life that day. All my cousins were there and we had so much. We had a moment where we would give out speeches and then everyone had their parents there and they were all so proud, their mother would often call them and ask did you eat? Have you had a bath or do you want me to get you hot water. Hey its cold where is your jersey you are going to catch a cold. You know as we were giving speeches I felt immense pain inside of me, I can not describe the feeling but then as I opened my mouth I just started crying. I could not speak because all i could see was the absence of my father and it presented me with endless pain. When am i going to stop talking about him you ask? When all the air has left my body and my soul has gone to a better place.
Everytime I want to do something, i feel like i can do it yess, but then i think Dad if you were here with your wisdom i’m sure you would have something to say and words of encouragement or something. During happy occassion I just think if he was here I would call him and tell him all about it because I am so happy. Whenever I need a hug I would just be like Dad if you were here you would know exactly what to say. So when i see people with their parent I get extremely jealous and wish if mine was alive too so I could do that with him too.
I felt guilty for feeling like that but I can not help it. I miss my father the most, and the fact that I am going through life alone makes me miss him more. If your parents are alive please cherish them and do not take anything for granted rich or poor, someone here would kill to just have one of mine back with me right here. Just to see him laugh again and say Sharoe I am so proud of how far you have come, keep going. I really wish but I guess that is life.
Its a sad life tbh🤷♀️🤷♀️🥱 m just hanging in here