Confession Mondays (3)

So I failed my final exam in college, back then I had no idea why, but looking back I discovered how it all sprung from nightmares and anxiety leading up to the final day. I think that could have been the reason. I started panicking. I remember i had diarrhea and then I had sweaty palms and then i blanked out completely as in my mind went blank, as if i had no thoughts nothing but fear. I looked at everyone and they were all concentrating except for me. I had no idea where I was and what i was doing. I remember being extremely scared and the intense need to cry almost blinded me. I knew all the answers but I could not put them on paper. I remember that it was the anniversary of my mother’s funeral the 31st of May, could it have been the reason? I will never know because I did not know it was her death anniversary then until about 4 years post graduation i think.

This subject was the easiest of all my courses – cost and management reporting. I always used to ace it and I was a good student such that the head of our department called me later and told me how everyone in the whole department was surprised with my performance and they all agreed to allow me a second chance to rewrite the exam as a supplementary exam instead of a repeat because they thought it was super weird. I just told him that I blanked out, I think I overworked myself with it being my final exam and all. I actually think my performance was so poor that maybe i deserved a repeat of the whole course but I could be wrong.

So given the second chance, although I was sick I am sure I scored 100% because within an hour and half i was done and that is how confident I was in a 3 hour exam. Unfortunately for second chances no matter how much you do well you will still score just a pass. Fortunately I still have an upper second degree class in overall and that score did not affect my honours degree.

I wonder how many people do not know that they are dealing with a mental health illness and are just winging it. I wonder how many souls we will save if we can just educate our society to get help and that mental illness is just like any other illness and what to look for in such cases. I remember the pain i felt knowing that I did not do well in the exam even before the results came out. I remember crying for the whole month of June until I rewrote my exam in July. I was grounded at home and locked inside the house never to leave, so I actually felt suffocated. I was super depressed and was just drowning the whole time.

I blamed myself for being such a failure. I met people that told me that I was bewitched and that I was supposed to die and what what, you know how the african way of thinking is. I was scared but I aced my exam. I had one goal and that was to reassure my lecturers that they were not wrong in giving me a second chance. Well that and make sure that my father would not kick me out for being a failure since they said I was wasting money failing in college. To be honest all I needed was a shoulder to cry on. I needed a hug but life as always had not been kind to me. I could not understand why I had to go on fail my final exam when i had been passing all my exams with distinctions since first year. Even my dissertation was submitted on time.

I am glad that I am in a better place now, even though I still feel depressed a lot revisiting these moments help me heal from hidden pain that I did not handle well or had hidden inside of me and not dealt with until now. This has made me a bitter person but I am handling all that now so that I can be a whole person… I have learnt that bitterness is the reason why people do not feel whole. So 2021 we will handle all the hidden stuff and pain that i have let fester for too long and I will free myself from all that, and educate myself more.

That’s it for today, keep well and protected

Stay safe as always I love you!!!!

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