Confession mondays (5)
Yep that’s me!!!!
I know I have said before how I do not care for regrets in life, I honestly do not care for them but recently I came across something that really made me feel something that I never want to feel again.
When I say I am a miss goodie two shoes I mean I have been a good girl for no reason at all. I have played everything by the book. I did not drink, I went to church and even in college I was never out partying except if it was a church holy ghost filled party. I have always stayed where I was supposed to when and how it was supposed to be done. I was made a head girl at school because I was well behaved. I hate breaking the rules, I always play it safe, always.
However, no one cares that I have been good so that means it doesn’t matter if you are good even to yourself. You know why? Because your reputation just always lets you down. What good does my bad reputation in my family serve? There is a time I regretted not dating that guy in my street who had a very nice car but I rejected him because I suspected he was married. I did not want anything to do with him even though I really really liked him deep inside my heart. I did not pursue this relationship because I wanted to be a miss goodie two shoes… However my sister accused me of dating him and spread the message that I date married men anyways even though I have never dated one. Well now it doesn’t matter if I did it or not, I am always known as the girl who did.
I regret not dating the bus conductor I once met when I was 14. Damn that man was fine and extremely poor but he had swag and I was poor too, but I had a future where as he had already given up. I could have dated him for fun but I did not want anything to do with him because men? No, I said No please, school first and then I will always have time for men. I had a big crush on him though. However I was still accused of dating him and was taken off boarding school on that basis where as I had nothing to do with him. He just pursued me one day and one of my cousins saw it and now I am the girl who dated a guy at 14, the girl who was taken off boarding school because of boy problems, ey a promiscous teenager. Anyways maybe I should have dated him because then i would be actually guilty but nope I was innocent and it hurt so bad.
They predicted that I would be pregnant by the time I turn 16, and my life mission and goals and vision was now to prove them wrong. That I was not that girl and would never be that girl. So I the end all my decisions was never for me but for them. I stayed indoors for them, I started drinking only when my brother said that do you think you are the only perfect person and we are all sinners just because we drink. I did not want to make him feel bad. It became a habit to drink so that people I am around do not feel judged. And now I just drink around my family or social friends just to fit in but these moments are rare because I hate drinking alcohol.
What a stupid article just like most of the rumors in my family. Like the gossip that hurt me and destroyed my sense of self worth and self-esteem. My family hurt me so much and they do not even know to what extent. You know all I wanted was someone to stand by me and defend me but nope i have faced so many accusers in my life. Even now no one believes that I am single 😁😁 they actually think I am lying. I really want to lie about it but I can not seem to be able to.
No one believes me and it hurts me so bad that I automatically pick up a defensive mode each time i get off the plane every time I visit my family back home. I have to be alert and always be ready to defend myself. So I hate it. I hate visiting. It is emotionally exhausting and I always come back where I live so weak and exhausted. The other time my housemate said that I should consider not visit home if I was going to come back like that every time. It took me more than a month to recover. My self esteem is always low and I have to work extra hard to be myself again and pick myself up.
So I hate going home. People tell me home is best. Bebe Rhexha once sang that “Home is a place where you go to take things off your shoulder” but I go and come back heavy on my shoulders and weak emotionally.
So when I started working at this company I work for now I once had a conflict with a client. I was right and he was wrong but I really wanted to please him so I told my boss to just scold me in an email so that he can be happy. I was used to it growing up so it was nothing much to always take the blame. My boss refused and was so angry at me and stood by my side the whole time. She defended me and convinced the client to do things my way. I cried that day. I felt loved. I was so happy that she really thought I was worth it. She really thought I could be saved. She has consistently stood by me since 2016 until now. She is still consistent, how can she not give up? I have learnt to love myself more and now I am teaching myself that not everyone is like that, people can actually be kind to you. She has my loyalty and my love. Actually my team of superiors are amazing people they always tell me that I am so much more than I see in myself. And I think God knew that I needed people like this.
God wanted to protect and restore my self esteem and so he allowed me to be in this place that I am in right now with people surrounding me that build me up and not destroy me. No one has been able to tell my boss gossip about me and she has believed them. She always defends me and I am so grateful.
I wish my family would know how they have broken me, and how they always continue to do so each time that we interact. I always feel small. I wish we would reconcile at least once before I die. Well if you are wondering why I wouldn’t just confront them, we have confrontation avoidance in my family, each time I try they say I am rude how dare I put elders on the spot, so why even try. I may be the black sheep to them but my heart is always the same, filled with love for them and definitely in the right place.
Writing this made me cry, I hope I heal from it and find ways to be happy when I am around my family but for now….avoidance is key. One day I will be able to be around them and be myself and not feel like a foreigner….
But until then…
Stay safe and see you next Monday with another one of my healing confessions.