One year later…..

confession mondays (6)

Last year this time I had already started working from home. Today I love working from home and I am so proud of how far I have come. I am so grateful that this pandemic really gave me a break from the too much travelling that I was doing every chance I got and too much work that is my daily life. These days whenever I take leave, I relax, I sleep and just watch movies and give my body the rest that it needs. Most weekends if I am not painting I am sleeping, reading, or just laying in bed bored but relaxing.

Of course I travelled in October and December and I loved it, but it was not some 12 hour flight to somewhere where I would have longer days and shorter nights for two weeks and boom im back to working again before taking a break. I actually realized I never took an actual break before, where I just relax. If you know me, then you would know that sis was in need of a big break. When I started 2020 I was not the person that I used to know. I was on the verge of getting fired because I was not performing. The funny thing is I was weak during the day and energetic during the night. The side effects of my medication was killing me, always anxious, always sad and depressed. I was just not loving life at all.

As soon as lockdown began I really slept until 10am, started working on answering calls and stuff. I would sleep at lunchtime. Then I would do all the work at night. I was so happy to do that. I really caught up with work and started feeling better about my performance and that automatically helped with my overall mood and anxiety. I mean once you perform better at work you feel better because you are a better human being, and your job is safe as well ha ha. Then the meds started kicking in by April I was in a better shape mentally, come June I was working up at 8 am to work so yeah 6 months was all I needed to get back up, but then if you read my past blogs you will know I had past problems with side effects and I ended up giving up meds and had a fight with withdrawal symptoms. Without the pandemic I would not have survived all of that. I am so happy That all this drama happened during endless lockdowns. I had crazy brainzaps and sometimes they would let up at midnight and i would wake up and issue some invoices and process some accounts and reports and stuff and send to my boss or colleague. I mean they all new what was up so they were supporting me through it all. It really helped with the flexibility that the pandemic provided.

I also loved that this whole time gave to me myself back. It gave me a chance to be comfortable in my own house and by being by myself I have learnt to actually go a week without opening my mouth and talking to anyone. I love it. I can hear my thoughts and talk myself up, motivate myself, mediate and just listen to my inner being.

I began to deal with my pain one by one. In august of last year I decided to handle everything in my memory good and bad. I wanted to declutter and man did it work? I have found time to just heal my inner child, this has not been easy but there are memories that I had forgotten but they all came up so we can confront them to heal from them. You will be surprised what lies rotten inside our subconscious rotting and undealt with causing bitterness. One can not be whole if they are bitter and I have learnt that. I have been working my way up all this time during this pandemic and I smile a lot more. I do not rely on anything to smile these days. My life has not changed, it is still dramatic, I still get sad, but I have noticed that I smile more too, I am more happy too. I never used to.

I love this whole year that has passed. It was difficult but it was the best year of the 5 years since i left my home country. 2019 was the worst and I wasn’t even sick. The best that 2020 gave me was that I am on the best path to find my happiness. I truly felt happy for a week straight for the first time last year and that is the reason for me to celebrate. I continue to celebrate in 2021 and here’s to hoping for more better days ahead.

When I look back, there will never be anger in my heart but my eyes are filled with tears of joy because 2020 gave me a chance to find myself and rescue myself.

I know it has not been easy for some of you but i hope you find that silver lining.

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