To my mother

Mom its me…

I obviously look for you everytime, not that i remember what you look like nor you what i look like. I have a few pictures and i can only imagine what your smile looks like and your hug felt like.

I miss you more than you will ever know. As i lie in my bed right now writing to you, i am crying because i am sad. I keep thinking if i have done something wrong in my life then maybe i will be able to fix it. I would change what i need to. I am so sad and i think its not something that I can change. It is because you are not here with me. Everything reminds me of you.

This has been a tough year for me. I kept drowning in and out of it. And i keep swimming and i feel super tired and exhausted. Mum what do i do.

I always feel like I’m alone. I have friends but i dont really like to always be out hanging out and i fear that i say something i shouldn’t and i mess it up. I m too exhausted at night after hanging out with them thinking what did i say that was not right… so i prefer to keep to myself. I am constantly switching back n forth between being the most sociable person and being socially awkward.

Mum i am tired. I am scared. I am exhausted. What do i do. I want to grow but I’m too tired to even walk towards that dream.

I want to have my own family but I’m afraid of kids. I’m afraid to be married. The thought suffocates me thinking someone else will be controlling me. What if he is abusive? What if my kids do not like me? What if I am trapped and there is no way out? I feel scared. Mum what do i do…? I’m tired.

I want to lose weight and I’m working on it. But i love food. The warmth of hot potatoes melting in my mouth. The juice from steak and the taste of fanta. Can i give it up? Do you think i have it in me? If i get angry can i stop eating something delicious tp make me feel better if i can’t exercise and be fine? Of late i get sad a lot and i keep wanting to eat. Is this cycle going to end soon? What do i do mummy?

Then there are panic attacks that won’t let me breathe. I feel like I am suffocating and drowning. I keep gasping for air. Sometimes i feel lile I am floating and my head is filled with fog and i can not see clearly if I am going or coming back. Where even am I going? Each time I think of my future all the air is taken away from me. I keep trying to hold onto it but i keep failing. Of late i keep panicking every day and night. Will it ever end? Is it ever going to be okay? Do you think I will be happy again without any fear of my tomorrow?

I met this pastor guy who told me to keep on holding on. He told me my future will be okay but then I want to believe him, honestly I do but right now it feels like I am drowning and help is very far away. I am scared.

I wish i could have one more day with you. Just one and you could just hug me and tell me i have done my best and i have done a good job. And i could just cry on your shoulders and you will wipe away my tears and tell me to rest. To stop thinking and just be fine. To stop worrying about tomorrow and that you will take care of it.

If i wasn’t scared to meet with God now i would have come to you sooner. I am not ready to meet Him yet. I will be though, im working on it. Hope when that day comes you and I can finally be together and you can tell me you love me and hear me say it back.

Because i do with all my heart mind and soul.

I have never loved anyone more than i do you right now, not even dad.

Until next time…

I will keep swimming, so i don’t drown !!!!

3 thoughts on “To my mother

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