Dear Dr P

I hope this letter finds you well. It has been a couple of months since we last spoke. I want to apologize for not making it to the last 3 appointments. I have actually given up in trying to set up an appointment because I keep missing them. You see my life is currently messy I do not feel like talking. You know talking needs energy and i feel like I am running on empty. I want to be quiet with my thoughts for now and when I am ready to talk, I will come and see you again.

Thank you so much for the progress that I have made so far. It has been a pleasure working with you. I have found myself letting go of my past. I have forgiven myself and those who I thought treated me unfair. Even those who I have never thought I would ever forgive because of all the exercises that you made me do. I appreciate that you taught me to go back and comfort and confront my younger self and my inner child. I have done this task successfully. We no longer hurt because of the past that much anymore. It is the future that has cast a shadow on us. How uncertain it is? It is perhaps the expectations that we had of the future that is not materializing in the present until now.

You see the past few weeks I have been hit by anxiety attacks. It has been unbearable, you know what is funny is that I do not remember you teaching me what to do in such scenarios so each day I would find this and that tactics to calm myself down from a panic attack. I could have called you but I feel weak each time I rely on you, I kept telling myself that I will be fine. I knew if I called you then your emphasis would be on facing the triggers. But then I do not know what triggered them.

I have a few ideas but I do not know if I am ready to deal with all this madness yet. It’s so sad isn’t it? When i confront my younger self these days she feels sorry for me. She no longer hurts from the pain of my childhood… no, she has healed thanks to you. However she always dreamt of having her happily ever after. An ending that she always dreamt of that never happened. Of late she keeps asking me what happened.

Is it possible to give her what she wants? Is an ending like that even possible? I want to know this too, how can I answer her if I do not know anything myself? She feels lonely, she feels sad because there is no one who can see her. Friends you ask, she has plenty but they do not see her. They have adopted the persona and have become friends with that persona they do not want her to change. Change will make them uncomfortable and God forbid that we make them uncomfortable.

It has not been an easy journey. Is it possible that I am broken? Will i ever be able to be put back together and to be fixed? I still practice gratitude everyday, I have a religion and I believe in God. I have hope but I am weak. I feel weak because i can not tell between a weekday and a weekend. All the days keep blending into each other and the same stuff happens everyday and i eat the same food and i go to bed and I go to work. What is my life really? At this stage, my apologies and my thoughts are so jumbled and that is why I can not come to you. I need to get them sorted without anyone who will judge me. I do not think you judge me but you know my mind and how it is with this burden of anxiety and depression. Please understand.

Do not worry though, i started taking antidepressants again. I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist often until I am well. I hate taking them and you know that. I have worked so hard to use all the methods I could just so I could avoid taking antidepressants. For me to start again, it meant I reached rock bottom. I was no longer able to breathe and become a normal person again. It has been 6 months without them. I will cherish those and start a new phase again. They have helped and are helping so far.

I hope to come and see you soon. I need a little bit more time. I am sure you understand how it is.

Your messy client

S.

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