Dear Mum

Mum, of late i feel like i am lacking inspiration. I want to do better but i do not know what to do. I tried MMA last month, i was happy looking forward to training everyday. However because of covid on the rise again the gyms are closed and now m back to being in my gloomy house. I feel demotivated and i do not even know what i like anymore.

I paint, i exercise, and sleep. I some times watch movies and then read a novel or two. Other than working this is what fills my day. What else can i do? Nothing is exciting. I feel like i am in a pit that is so deep and there is no end and i keep falling and falling. I do not really like my profession but if i am to stop being an accountant what will i really do? I feel like i was born to be an accountant and i am so good at it, I am afraid my identity is wrapped around my profession.

I wanted to do management but with my anxiety i feel like its an impossible thing to try and reach for. I can not even begin to think what else is there that i can try. I do not have many options. Can i relocate to another country perhaps? Where and how? Will i be safe? I am scared of racism? I am scared to crime rates that have soared across the world. Can i truly be safe? Look at South africa rn, yesterday it was Eswatini.. can i even be safe here in my motherland? My neighbours keep having wars and all. Its a tough life.

I want to be happy again. I want to be around friends and people that i love without strings and travel the world and share the small joys of each and everyday. However my mind is failing to recognise these small joys. So i paint and paint and paint. So i work overtime at the office, time and time again.

What do i do to make my life happier?

I hope you are doing well mum and that everything is great on your side. I love you still.

Your loving daughter


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