I am sorry for keeping you waiting. I am sorry i have not found you yet. I think the universe knows i am not ready yet. I am dealing with depression. Sometimes i just want to die and most days i am afraid to. I keep thinking of how unfair i have been to you. You are waiting, probably praying and fasting and patiently looking around and here i am drowning on my own and working so hard to float and swim to you.
Life has not dealt me fair cards, i keep trying to be positive but most days are gloomy. I really am trying my best. I am suffering and the sad thing is no one understands me. Sometimes i wish i would have met you already and think may be you would get me and help pull me out of this abyss… but then i thought what if all i am is a burden to you and you would feel sad because of me. This is something that i have to do by myself. Learning to be whole without you. Learning to love and accept myself. I need to be better for myself so that even if life gets tougher i would be stronger with you but still strong by myself.
At the moment i am trying to just live for one more day. I am sad most of the days, i want to cry but fail all the time. Ally energy is focused on surviving at least one more day and its still so exhausting. My doctor told me to keep trying and fighting the darkeness that threatens to take me down. Life is just too precious to waste in my bedroom day and night. My muscles hurt from where i keep sleeping on my bed. So i tried exercising but i hate myself and my body right now.
Nomatter what i do i am fat, the weight does not even move an inch and then i get depressed and angry and then i look for food to make me feel better and then i gain more weight and then i starve myself and then they cycle goes on and on and on. Now my fear is that if i can not control my body weight, how can i survive a relationship with someone. Will i ever be enough for you? Will i ever be happy? Am i destined for loneliness? Do you even exist? The questions keep holding me hostage inside my mind and i can not get answers and the more questions i ask the more depressed i get and the more depressed i get the more i have questions that remain unaswered.
I am so sorry I am like this. I hate being like this too. I hate myself for being this pathetic. Even my friends look at me with sad eyes and i know they think i am overly dramatic, but that is okay, I am used to this. I will get better hopefully one day soon.
Even if i do not get better and die a bitter woman, that is okay too. That is my path, my destiny. I will have to accept my fate and be content with the way everything is.
I hope you are doing well yourself, life can be tough sometimes please keep well and safe.
PS: I hope you will love me with my scars and i know i will love you nomatter how you look or your past battles or scars, so don’t worry about it… i will love you.
Yours full of love