Thank you again for agreeing to meet with me. I am fine today, the weather is good and i can see the sun. It is winter so its a bit chilly hence I am wearing a jersey. I haven’t bathed in 3 days, but that is okay its not like it was full week right? i have seen and done worse.
You asking about what I hope to achieve with this session?? OMG i do not know, yes I understand its CBT but i did not think about it at all, the only think I am sure of is that I need your help. The rest I do not know.
Thank you for asking what my problem is!!
You see Dr Bee, as i lied in my bed past 3am last night looking at my ceiling, i have been thinking of painting my walls a shade of dark blue with small dots of white so that i can at least count the stars on nights like this. Funny thought isn’t it. I went to bed at 17hr and still could not sleep until 3am. I kept thinkimg about my life the whole time, all i could see was pain. Pain so raw, and rivers of tears endlessly shedding. I cannot explain it but my mind is a warzone. All i can spot is bad stuff. There is nothing white that i can see, nothing happy, nothing to smaile about, this is just sad Dr.
I met fear sometime back when i was 25, she just consumed me from nowhere, or was it from inside of me or the trauma I cannot explain it. Fear made me a widow without even being married. She came and took my husband away, Dr, he died before my eyes!! I saw it, a man I had never met, he died too soon still loved by his wife. I grieved for a long time, it sucks being a widow at 25. How would i face the world now. He is gone, what do i do? The headlines read ohhhh what a sad and wasted life…. what a pity.. People kept looking at me with sad eyes and that was the end of it. Why would i get married if he would just die anyways, right??
And then I met a nice young christian woman who became friends with me. Around the same time Trepidation visited me. Trepidation, He claimed that my new friend was better than me, she always looked down on me, so I became extremely timid. For I am not good enough to be in her presence. Little by little I distanced myself from a travel partner and a potential soulmate. Someone to call my sister away from home. So I turned to church as i try to forget that lady.
I became friends with the pastor and church folk. Sermon after sermon I was getting cozy and comfy but then booom a feeling that something bad will happen consumed me. Every sermon after that turned to one horror movie after the other. I became paralysed stuck and imprisoned in this dark box filled with witches, evil spirits and demons. I screamed that i wanted to breathe, that I wanted out of this place. The pastor shouted names of demons and tried to help me move. I shouted for him to stop putting their names in my mind as i will have nightmares with those demons eating me up but he did not listen. He said you need deliverance my child. Your family is trying to harm you. What? Why would do they that. If they were capable wouldn’t they have succeeded when i was young and lived around them? But he didn’t stop the preacherman was convinced.
That is when Paranoia knocked on my door. With a sense of foreboding I checked all the corners of my house for stuff, items, anything that they were using against me. With my family as my enemy i had no shoulder to lean on. I cried dry tears for no one was there to help wipe wet tears from my eyes. I became extremely lonely. What is life really if you will live it alone, when you can enjoy time with your close relatives?
Everytime i wanted to make a decision i heard her whispering into my ear like a demon chased from heaven saying you will fail, you know they got you by the claws. They hate you!! You will not succeed!!! Stop making decisions and stay here, where you are!!! That way you will count a few losses. But staying here makes me unhappy. Staying here alone is it worth it? Who am I even? Do I even know?
So Anxiety was welcome. We dined together, showered together once or twice a week. She called her distant cousion Depression who came with schizophrenia her visting relative and it became a pity party in my house. My mind was constantly busy as we ate greasy food and drank lots of fizzy drinks to feed ourselves except I was experiencing an out of body like life. I was watching them from a distance, so close but so far I couldn’t touch them or reach them. I screamed at them to say please leave me alone, I called the preacherman but he said child I don’t know what you are talking about, he ignored all my texts and calls and left me hanging in the scorching heat to dry and be devoured by wild birds of the african wild.
How can he leave me alone now after telling me I am possessed and my family is trying to kill me? I have noone now, why are you leaving me? You are the reason why Anxiety, Depression, and Schizophrenia are in my house right now. After that talk with the preacherman, they became my close most trusted company where we would wallow in self pity and everyday we would find a reason to eat greasy food and cry until we sleep.
I was comfortable, this was the devil I knew, so I welcomed them each time and time again. I felt sorry for myself all the time. I had no one to talk to and I had no right to say anything. I suspected everyone was trying to harm me. So i stayed indoors with my phone on Do Not Disturb. But that was changed too soon because Panic attack decided to join in the fun too. Wait where did she even come from? I do not even know her, but it turns out she is a fraternal twin of Anxiety and they rarely travel alone. She was sad to be the last one to join the party. So at that point i settled in with them and tried to find coping methods.
What can I do so alone in this world, why am I even here? That is when i found it. My light at the end of the tunnel. It was so small like a little star during a cloudy night. I saw it and i focussed on it, waiting for it to find its time to light my path to a safe place. I never looked away from it. To be honest, i was scared that i will lose it the moment I look away so it became my lifeline. I kept walking towards it hoping to find the source of light.
All of a sudden, i was able to reconcile with my friends and started going to the gym again. I even went for a party or two. I even joined a gym class and had fun with my trainer. Although I always did this with someone I trust closeby just in case something will happen to me. I colored my world pretty colors again, and everything started to make sense. It’s funny how we do not know how ruthless people can be when we trust them as we ignore our inner voices. I started listening to mine a lot more than i used to.
I actually discovered that I am fine. My dreams are chemically induced because of my medication and there’s nothing to it. The preacherman used to say you are being attacked in the dream. This was my main source of fear and I know it because my dreams used to leave me drained each day. I decided that nomatter what may, I need to make myself happy because no one else will do that for me. I do not need to be paranoid, eventhough I still struggle with that. I think I am not as important as i thought i was, no one really will go out of their way to kill me, I mean for what benefit?
I am important enough to pursue my purpose here on earth. That is the mission that i shall pursue. Forget the preacherman, forget the misery company that i used to have. For now I say bye, to my unhealthy coping mechanisms, wishing they would leave already, I hope i will never see them anytime soon.
I hope you help me out Dr Bee, I need to write a happy ending to this sad story of mine. I do not resent the time I lost trapped inside my own dark world, I am glad to have gone through this dark time and have come out of it alive. From this bottom pit the only way to go is up… I am confident we will get a happy ending for sure.
Bye for now.