Today this song has been pressed on my heart and I have been listening to it for a very long time. I have been trying to cry for a few days now and failing. I feel a lot pain in my heart. A lot has been going on in my life starting with school and trying so hard for my career. I feel like I keep knocking on wrong doors. I am so tired of trying. To be honest I am not able to carry on like this.
I like how the author of the song says like the river he has been running ever since. I feel like I have been running since I was born. I have been looking for something and I wasn’t even aware that that is what is happening. I do go and ask for help too but like the singer I always wind up knocked down and crying on my knees. Then I normally stand up again and keep pushing until it happens again and again for the past 32 years. Its why I call my life my drama for you can only understand how much dramatic it is if you are living it.
Life can be difficult, some say it has its mountain tops and valleys, I feel like the Israelites that I am stuck on this mountain for far too long. When do you think I will ever leave this mountain. It has been 6 years now. I am not growing or slowly moving in any direction at all. My career is stagnant and nothing seems to be moving. I am trying my best to do what it takes. I am so exhausted that despite all my efforts it all comes down to disappointment one after another. I wish I had someone to blame, then I would hate that person and shout and kick, but sadly its just my luck.
Will change ever come??
Last night I dreamt of my father. My late father whom I have not thought of in the past few months. He came to me and gave a bank card and said I can see that you have been going through a lot in trying to get this Master’s degree, go and pay for everything you need. Pay your fees and food so you do not owe anyone anything. I hope it makes you happy. I was so excited that I took big black trunks the kind we used back in secondary school when I was in boarding school and packed them with stuff. However entering the place was so difficult there was too much security. I mean even in my dreams I keep getting stumbling blocks!!!! I do not get it. If money was not issue an admission would be or visa issues, it is driving me crazy. I wanted to do one offline here but they do not offer any Master’s degrees and the ones in Portuguese do not have a good rating internationally if at all, even here in Africa.
What does a person got to do. I am just giving it all up. I am soo tired. My ambition brings me scars after scars, panic attacks after the other. I have tried to get into places that I felt I deserved to only to realize that a person like me shouldn’t dare dream…I am tired of seeing myself living a better life. Do you think somethings are just by fate? Maybe this is my destiny, to have a fire that burns inside of me that causes me to have crazy ambitions and fail every time. Ah I’m just tired that is all.
I will stop here my brain is too fried and I will take a break from being a driven person. Maybe until I heal, for now I will not try anything. I will let myself be taken away where the wind goes, maybe one day I will end up where I need to be.
Here goes my dream so much drama in my life